Thread: Maybe its me

alright, well for starters we should stop using our given names and go by the pot and the kettle...which shall you be?

NOW, let me see if I can break this all down for you...I might get a little psychological on you but hey, thats just me.

Originally Posted by Wyntre

See the thing is, me and my Mr. Wonderful have been butting heads lately. And when we discuss whats going on... everything he says makes me mad... and I turn around and just gripe or cry... and he feels like he can't say anything right.
Like for example, we were talking about compromise and sacrifice... which one of the things I had a problem with he said, "Fine, I don't need that in my life anymore" and instead of that making me happy, I turned around and said, "Oh how manly of you!"

alright, this is where i think the other guys screwed us. yes we are no longer with those guys but we have learned that no relationship is perfect so there has to be a problem somewhere...and if for some reason there isn't one, we make one. I could be wrong but I have seen this with my mom and other women close to me (and if I ever do a case study it will be on this!) but once we are with someone who genuinely treats us like we should be treated and say we want to be treated we don't know how to act because since junior high or earlier when we started dating the guys were children or immature so there was plenty to fight about. Stupid high school fights over stupid things like whos party to go too or you caught him looking at a cheerleader. We have been programmed to be defensive and fight back...so when the guy isn't fighting or starting a fight we assume he is up to something so we put up our defenses because we are just SO SURE that something is about to go down. Instead we should just wipe that from our heads and think what an amazing man we have that wants to be with us and enjoy the moment.

Originally Posted by Wyntre

And this is the case in many things we have been talking about lately.
I am an emotional basket case lately... everything he says either hurts me or makes me cry and it's to the point where he's said he doesnt even know what to say anymore.
Why does what he say bother me no matter what?
I love him... God I mean I really truely love this man.

This I think is partially because you were pregnant and even if you weren't pregnant you thought you were and had yourself worked up about it which caused you to be stressed and snippy. geez the bloodwork told you that for fact. also I think this is a huge change really fast, you went from being single and busy busy to being a super mom overnight. it is totally normal for there to be an adjustment period somewhere in there where you feel it out and find the boundaries and I don't think you had much of that. I am not saying anything is too fast, because only you know what is right for you but I know that you have just been super touchy lately and in your situation I think anyone would be. Now that you aren't pregnant and you are pushing off the wedding date some, why don't you take a few steps back and figure out the things that need to be figured out with you two. Also, you said that you spent most of the first time together with families...but did you two get any time alone just like on a date? thats the most important deal breaking time. Maybe gt a sitter once a week or once every two weeks and just spend time with each other, even if its just sitting on the couch watching tv.

Originally Posted by Wyntre

But according to him I am too serious, I dont know how to lighten up, I don't know how to joke or have fun... why is that??

you have no idea how fun you are, ad you are serious because that is the type of life you lead. you have had no other choice than to be serious because of the cards you were dealt, he just needs to give you some time to loosen up and get comfortable in the new role you are now leading. you can't expect a brain surgeon to quit his job and the next day be a successful stand up comedian...maybe after a few months and he changes his style but never immediately, every new job has some sort of training period

Originally Posted by Wyntre

Whats wrong with me... because in all honesty... I agree.
Am I not a happy person?
Why can't I just go with the flow... live and enjoy life and be happy??
Is this the reason none of my relationships have worked??

you are as happy a person as you know how to be (we both are for that matter) and that is all that can be expected of us. we have only ever been as happy as we let ourselves and we both have the (bad) tendency to let other peoples actions/decisions/judgement weigh heavily on that. Now that we have the chance to be happier than ever before we don't know how to react. like cordy in the store today with my brother - he told her she could pick out any toy she wanted for her birthday...she just stood there confused not knowing what to do because she has never been presented with that option before. after about 30 minutes and looking at all the toys she decided and we left but even something as simple as that overwhelmed her. now think about that in reference to your situation:you are a happy person based on the things in your life and the way you have worked things out for yourself. Now presented with the chance to be eternally happy if we just let go of things and go with the flow, we don't know how to do that...because there is always that possibility that once its out of our control it could go bad, causing us to be unhappy. so we'd rather stay in control and no chance it than jump in and risk the broken heart. we (because I need to as well) need to learn to let go and take a risk.

Originally Posted by Wyntre

Because even Los said he didnt know what it was I wanted from him.
And in all honesty... I wanted my way.
I wanted affection the way I wanted it... I wanted attention the way I wanted it... I wanted his opinion but only if it was what I wanted to hear...
I am completely nuts...

With los, thats not a great example but here's what i get out of that. you wanted things your way because he didn't want to give them to you. Now that things are going your way...what is there to want for? do you go for the opposite or just start making up shit to pick a fight? and no you are not completely nuts...you have been getting things your way (either by doing them yourself or from your parents/family member/etc) for a while now so it is not unreasonable to continue to want that. Just amater of re-evaluating the situation and seeing whats needed or best over whats wanted on first instinct.

Originally Posted by Wyntre

Like My babe... he likes to go to a titty bar every once in a while and no I dont believe he would ever cheat on me, but it makes me self conscious to know he would go pay to look at women who have a body I couldnt compete with.
He has someone at home for free who loves him but he'd go pay money to see ass??
Now this is one of the things he said he wouldnt do because I had a problem with it, but if I were confident with myself then I wouldnt have a problem with it.
How to I obtain that confidence??
Seriously... guidance... please!!!-)

titty bars are something that I will never understand, david doesn't go but has a thing about m boobs and I just don't get it. I firmly believe that David wouldn't cheat on me but yes it is in my nature to be jealous about it because in the past other boys have cheated (as you have probably been in that situation as well and its causing you to think that way again). Being confident in ourself has nothing to do with it...it sbeing confident in the relationship and the fact that you can completely trust your man wiht heart and soul. David and I had that issue when we started dating before Cordy came along. we would go out dancing together and sometimes seperate and we just had to trust the other and that they wouldn't let anything happen. Still makes me uneasy because I have seen the lengths that women will go through to get their way but I have complete faith that David would tell the woman no and walk away from the situation. That being said, do you have that with your man? if not, that would be step one in the relationship building process. unless you have that you will be like my friend who is married and she doesn't trust her man wiht anything. he says he is going somewhere she randomly drives by to check that he is there...paranoid yes but she has never caught him, he is always where he says he is. I told her she is nuts and that she should us talk to him about it but she wont, she said it shows weakness. blah blah. now if you ned ot schedule an undercover operation i'm all for it but for the sake of your sanity PLEASE this would be step on in the process. you are confident in yourself...just like you said he other day about some outfit you had on. you were happy with yourself, on the road to whatever you were trying to accomplish with the diet, school, etc and you were doing it for you...you are a strong woman and thats what he saw and was attracted to...dont lose that woman. be that strong assertive woman and let him know that it bothers you just because it has happened in the past and you want to make sure it doesn't happen again. If anything it will just open his eyes and let him see you and that you are the way you are and act the way you act for a reason.


okay, holy cow that was a lot of typing. I'm assumin thats why you wanted to know where I was...but you know you could have called. anyhow, I hope that helps but then again that is just my litle evaluation of the issue from outside the bubble. funny how we have the same issues around the same times as each other. if i turn up pregnant because of that eerie fact, i am going to kick our butt!

Yes that was a lot of reading... and yes this is why I wanted to know where you were... and yes I could have called but, yesterday I got off work, picked up kids, went home to do homework, took showers, went to dad's with family for dinner came home, put kids to bed and then stayed up until about midnight talking to Valdo. So even though you did an extraordinary job at evaluating my situation... a conversation yesterday was almost impossible.

Now lets break this down some:

"alright, this is where i think the other guys screwed us. yes we are no longer with those guys but we have learned that no relationship is perfect so there has to be a problem somewhere...and if for some reason there isn't one, we make one. I could be wrong but I have seen this with my mom and other women close to me (and if I ever do a case study it will be on this!) but once we are with someone who genuinely treats us like we should be treated and say we want to be treated we don't know how to act because since junior high or earlier when we started dating the guys were children or immature so there was plenty to fight about. Stupid high school fights over stupid things like whos party to go too or you caught him looking at a cheerleader. We have been programmed to be defensive and fight back...so when the guy isn't fighting or starting a fight we assume he is up to something so we put up our defenses because we are just SO SURE that something is about to go down. Instead we should just wipe that from our heads and think what an amazing man we have that wants to be with us and enjoy the moment."

Yes, my past relationships have screwed me!! Having never been in a mature relationship consisting of a man who is settled with himself, confident, independent, with children, devoted, self sufficient, reliable... I have realized I am completely relationship retarded. Which is why I am trying to accept the fact that though he may not be perfect, I can not control or change the way of things to suite what I want or need because for the first time... I am in a significant relationship and it's a hell of a lot more work than an insignificant one because... I want things to work and there are compromises to be made on both ends. Yes I love him, yes I trust him... I just have an issue with not trusting anyone else. lol I am naturally defensive. I read into things so much and I microanalyze which causes me to over react and assume which causes defense which causes tension. So... due to my new awareness of this the next step is to change. But there are certain things I just don't know how NOT to be defensive about. For example last night when we were talkin... he brought up an issue of his ex girl friends parents wanting to see the girls and though he is not with the ex, he feels like he is hurting the girls because they had a relationship with this family. Now I am sorry but if I am trying to make a future with this man... I can not compete with the deceased wife and her family much less an insignificant girlfriend and everything that had once come with her. I could understand if they had been married or if she were the biological mother but she was a gf for 9 months. So who is in the wrong here?? He doesnt want the ex but he doesnt want the girls to hate him because he doesnt allow them to see people who actually cared about them.

This I think is partially because you were pregnant and even if you weren't pregnant you thought you were and had yourself worked up about it which caused you to be stressed and snippy. geez the bloodwork told you that for fact. also I think this is a huge change really fast, you went from being single and busy busy to being a super mom overnight. it is totally normal for there to be an adjustment period somewhere in there where you feel it out and find the boundaries and I don't think you had much of that. I am not saying anything is too fast, because only you know what is right for you but I know that you have just been super touchy lately and in your situation I think anyone would be. Now that you aren't pregnant and you are pushing off the wedding date some, why don't you take a few steps back and figure out the things that need to be figured out with you two. Also, you said that you spent most of the first time together with families...but did you two get any time alone just like on a date? thats the most important deal breaking time. Maybe gt a sitter once a week or once every two weeks and just spend time with each other, even if its just sitting on the couch watching tv.

Yes... I have been stressed out and overwhelmed and this has caused me to over react about a lot of things. But when I actually saw how much a toll it was taking on us I immediately went into self eval mode. I can't lose the best thing that has ever happened to me just because I let so many outside sources effect my emotions and tend to overlook whats right in front of me. When he and I first started dating yes we had a few dates alone and we talked for hours on end and things were amazing. But that didnt last long because with three girls... its hard to keep pawning them off on other people to get alone time so we did start including them. A little early yes... and now they are attached and with so many outside stresses on both he and I... this is making things more difficult. Which is why I am trying to talk to him and connect with him but it's hard. Like last night he made a comment about how he was going to go and sit at the grave of his wife because he needed to seek guidance from her because she is the only person in the world who knew him so well and she was his best friend. I understand that... they were married 10 yrs and had three children... but why did this comment from him still hurt? Why do I feel like I have to compete with who and how she was?? And on top of that compete with the ex's family as well... grrrr I need to ask him for alone time... but jeese ya know... thats hard to acquire.


you have no idea how fun you are, ad you are serious because that is the type of life you lead. you have had no other choice than to be serious because of the cards you were dealt, he just needs to give you some time to loosen up and get comfortable in the new role you are now leading. you can't expect a brain surgeon to quit his job and the next day be a successful stand up comedian...maybe after a few months and he changes his style but never immediately, every new job has some sort of training period

See I thought I was pretty fun too... but I have noticed its hard for me to loosen up around him because between work, planning to go back to school... trying to maintain cleaning jobs, trying to maintain a cool collected attitude around the girls who at times erk me beyond all reason and maintaining a house and dinner and laundry and a love life... in all honesty its been hard for me to crack at a laugh lately. Especially when his jokes (and I know they are jokes) consist of "sanchas". I know he is kidding but you know I just dont find that funny.

I am trying to be happy... I am trying to maintain my composure... and after our discussion last night it seems as if... we have been shutting eachother out of some aspects of eachothers lives. Not to mention I have been nuts the last week with hormones and stress and tears and rage... I honestly scared him a little...
I love him and I want to help him raise these little girls and I want to be a family and I know we need to slow down and take it a day at a time and go with the flow and just support eachother. But my life has always been focused around a plan... and with three kids, two adults stressful jobs, his family, my two families and the wife's families... and all that comes with that its hard to have a plan and that right there throws my groove off like you cant imagine!! I need tactic I need direction, I need organization and life with a man who has suffered such a tragedy... three girls who are so hurt and confused and hard to deal with... there is no routine or consistancy or normalcy. Which is what I am trying to help establish but his life, their lives are so unorganized right now I have no clue where to even begin trying to out this puzzle back together. Not to mention I am terrible at puzzles!!
I know I love him, I know this is what I want, I know I love the girls... but where in the hell do I begin to try and make this work??

Pauly in all honesty I have no idea.
I mean I think I had that first love or lust phase... but boy lookin back I ask myself what the hell I was thinkin.
Then I have had relationships since then... always lasting at the minimum a year to three years - and yeah they ended and at those times I cried... or a hurt... or I delt with it how I needed to. But I have never had that one person who took my breath away until now. And it seems like I either can't let that it or I can't get into him because of all the factors included.

I mean everything happened in such a whirlwind of love and passion and then all of a sudden... BAM... reality steps in and the fairy tale... has become bitter sweet. Not for lack of love, not for lack of passion... but for lack of understanding eachother. For lack of knowing where each of us comes from. For lack of knowing eachother's ins and outs, which I know what you are gonna say. Slow down, back up, Get to know eachother better... and I am willing to do that because I do love him very much... its just... we connected so fast and everything was perfect and now I dont know how to slow it down. This reality is something that was definately needed to make sure we came down from cloud 9... but how can I maintain the happiness that was there in the beginning when all of a sudden we are opening doors and seeing eachother in different a light. Not like its a bad thing but I have learned something new about this man almost every day. And I know he has about me too. Not that either of us misconceived one another... but then again we came into this not knowing everything that would affect us. And its not affecting us in a bad way... but it is taking a toll and I dunno what to do.

Its hard to explain... I mean do you get it??

Lot to absorb aint it

I get it, and that is normal. you are going to learn new things about each other all the time. some may be bad and some good, just try not to let it affect anything in a bad way. and you could always just write done 10 things about you a week and give it to him and have him do the same...that would be a fun and interesting way to do things and prob get a lugh if its something crazy

now the puzzle thing...i can't really help other than give some advice. wit the ex gf...he needs to tell them no, that he has moved on and he has to try to make things work with you and he can't do that with them over his shoulder. there will be no room for your family (or you) if they keep popping in and making the girls think about whatever her name was. Now the deceased wife, that is understandable. those girls ned that connection with her family to keep her memory alive. but the ex, her memory neds to die and since she is gone her family needs to as well. yes its sweet that they care and want to see the girls but if you two are going ot get married that is your families job now.

I'd say once a week like sunday after church why dont you have a lunch at your house wiht all the families...well his parents your parents and the wife's parents and have everyone bring something so its not a lot of stress on you. but that way everyone will get to see each other and you wont get stuck spending time shuttleing them around or doing something on your own because the girls are with their grandparents and you dont want to go or someting.

or since ou guys ned alone time, maybe once amonth you could see if the grandparents want to watch the girls to spend time wiht them, like this month his parents, next month the wifes parents etc...thats better than getting a sitter and they would get some quality time with them.

ou also have to stop thinking of him as a tragic case of whatever. yes his wife died and yes that is a horrible thing but he is going to have to move on from that completely *if he hasn't already) or you will always feel like you are competing with her. going to the gravesite and talking to her is fine, thats a way of processing things, i do that wiht my grandmother...but guidance, he should work on transfering that over to you. unless he is ready to completely let go and say yes, my wife died and yes i love her and miss her but i have a new woman in my life and love her as well and need to give her my all without baggage then its going to be hard. Yes you may be relationship retarded or whatever you said but its just because you never knew how to act. now that you see what you want why not just wipe the past slate clean and give him the chance to be the first guy you ever dated. don't let anything los or anyone else did affect the things that are happening now. easier said than done but if you think about it in a new way maybe it will be better and less stressful.

I can handle pretty much all of that... but the issue with the ex's family is the one that both of us are sensitive to.
Him trying to hold on to that makes me feel like in a way he's trying to hold on to her... though he says he wants nothing to do with her and has asked me to move in and even talked about marraige with me... if he continues to let them have a part in his life... even for the sake of the kids then there is no room for me.

when I tell him this he understands and doesnt want to hurt me but at the same time they are capable of poppin in at the house or callin the girls and yeah the girls still do ask about that family but I am trying to get them out of that by involving my family.

Why wont he agree and work on this with me?

well you just have to tell him that he needs to tell them that popping in like they did last weekend was inapropriate and that you are living thre now. That he gave it a shot with his ex and it didn't work so no they (her family) has to respect his new life and privacy and give it a chance to work with you.

yes the girls may ask but jsut be honest wih them, that their dather ad the woman are no longer together and that your family i ther now. they are old enough to understand that.

and if he cant stand up to his ex's family what else will he be unwilling to stand up for?

well the thing is that he says he's told them all that he has moved on and that I am living there and the family of the ex all agree that it was the best thing for him and the girls and they are all happy for him. They want to see all of them happy - even if it does not include their family member they still all care about Valdo and the kids.

So on that note they know we are together and all of them but the ex have respect for that.

So am I supposed to be understanding or am I right when I think its just going to make things harder even if they all do know he has moved on and respect that.

so we have already had this ocnversation so I won't re-type anything...plus it would just be me repeating it.

And have you noticed how christmas-y the thread looks with our color choices? lol

So we talked last night... and he says he is confused.
Some of it because he sometimes misses his ex, sometimes misses his wife, can't control his children who have more respect for me than they do him, doesn't know what he wants, is confused because he and I are different, different families, different pasts, etc...
So he asked me to leave... for a few days so he can clear his head only two weeks after asking me to move in.

So I cried, and asked him why...

He says he loves me and wants me and knows he needs me but he thinks we rushed too fast... after telling me "what is fast - lets just go with the flow."

So I asked if he knew he wanted me in his future, why did I have to leave...
And when he found out that I had no where to go... he changed his mind.
Asking me to stay out of guilt... which he denied but is so obvious


I have never loved the way I love him.
I have never sacrificed or changed or worked so hard in my life for anything the way I have for him and these girls.
I have never wanted and felt like I needed anyone the way I do this family...
And if I leave... if he misses his ex... if I go no where in particular I literally feel like I don't want to live or breathe or exist anymore.

Is that pathetic?
Why have I lost my strength to survive?
Do I stay because he asked me to stay out of guilt?
Should I disappear?
What will happen to what I have accomplished with these girls if I walk away?
Do I fight because I know he is just confused?

He says he wants me...
He told me even again this morning not to leave...
But he still thinks of the ex...
He says it was their laughter but he doesnt laugh with me anymore.
He doesnt even try.

I can go.
I can disappear.
I can be nothing to him...

But why do I keep failing.
I was so upset that I woke up this morning...
I tried holding my breathe and making the wake up go back away.

Im lost, hurt, confused, feeling weak, unwanted, unloved, unable to make anyone happy.